Paperdoll

Beautiful like the moon's reflection when it's bouncing off your skin, and before you let me in...

I don't know how many times I've called you with tears on my cheeks. But each time you wouldn't let me go until I was smiling. And despite everything that's happened, and that's going on, I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I would give anything to be able to give you what I gave him, but I can't. But I can give you something better, something no man has ever had before: all of me.

(Everyone else: consider yourselves fired.)

All-Star

Next to Christmas, Valentine's Day is officially the best holiday ever. Pardon my language, but, I stacked up! Thaaaanks. (:

In BSU [♥], we discussed having "teams" and whether it's right or wrong. I, personally, am a believer in having a team, so long as your team members know that they're just that: team members. It's wrong to make a person believe they're your one and only; it's not wrong to quite boss-like inform them that other people exist. It's wrong to be a slut; it's not wrong to be a captain. It's wrong to use people; it's not wrong to make intelligent economic decisions. After all, it IS a recession.

Starters:

Point Guard: George - George is the head of the team, the most visible and noteworthy player of the team. Like a point guard, the ball is in his hands most of the time. He's the first and last person I turn to when I need moves to be made. He's my Allen Iverson, and though he knows other players exist, he also knows the team would be nothing if he wasn't on it.

Shooting Guard: Jae - Back up ball handler, Jae is almost equally as good at making things happen, but is not expected to deliver like the point guard. He's not the brand of the team, and he knows it. Most days he's warming the bench.

Center: Knoby -Biggest and strongest player on the team, Knoby is best for defense and helping me to rebound.

Bench:

Benches should remain nameless, seeing as how they get no play, and are only called into the game when things are either really rough, or really great. Only communicate during times of extreme boredom, or distress.

Why have a team? I don't want to settle into a committed, monogamous relationship right now. It sound selfish, but I'm working on me, and while I'm working on me, I'd like to benefit from all of the friendships I have with these gentlemen. When I'm ready, I'll fire the team, and contract with my point guard. (:

Prelude to a Kiss

The trouble with love is..

Sometimes I feel unable to be loved, or to accept being loved. I fear the day when he'll find that perhaps I am more than he bargained for, or less than he hoped for.

I know I'm going to push and push and push. I just don't know if he's strong enough to push back.

Clementine Posey

For whatever reason, George wakes up very early every single morning, no matter how late he goes to sleep. So we've developed this habit of having very early Sunday morning conversations, before he goes to spend the rest of his day with his mom. Actually, he does most of the talking, I just sleepily "mhmmmm." We talk for maybe twenty or thirty minutes before he tells me to go back to sleep and I, before he can even hang up, happily complies. But this time, instead of ending the conversation with goodbye, or "call you later," he said, "I love you," and hung up, and suddenly I was wide awake.

When he called later in the evening, it was after hours of my failed attempts to study, after an hour conversation with my mom about the diminishing conditions at home, and after eight wasted dollars on disgusting dog food they call sesame chicken here. I was mentally drained, emotionally stressed and bitterly hungry, and I cried. And cried. And he listened, and consoled, and promised he'd be there in any way he could.

And it took what seemed like forever before I realized what an asshole I am, realized that this was his first time seeing his mom since she got the news about a more urgent surgery and that I hadn't even asked about her or the family before I jumped into my pool of pity. I apologized over and over, he told me about it, that she and everyone else was in good spirits, but that deep down he was actually really worried, felt like he needed to do more, but doesn't know what to do. I listened, consoled, and promised I'd be there in every way I could. Eventually we said goodnight and hung up.

Five minutes later I called back to say, "I love you too."

To be continued..

Variety Pack

Dear God,

Leave me the hell alone! I know, I know, "Trials and tribulations. The strong shall survive. I'll never put more on you than you can bear." But does the word 'overkill' mean anything to you?! Don't you have ANY other people to bother? Perhaps a wayward priest? Certainly there are no shortages of them.

Sincerely,
Constance-Marie

PS. Any other blows in the next six months, and I will raise my kids to be atheists. Not trying to threaten you.. Just letting you know what it is.

This Woman's Work

"I should be crying, but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking."

I have a collection of glass bottles. I had to get rid of some during inspections over winter break, but, not including my two Barack Jones Sodas, I have 16 glass bottles left. I have no idea why I started keeping them, but now I do it to demonstrate to myself that I do have self-restraint. Because there are some times where I just feel like breaking them all. But I haven't.

I just feel like everything is so fucked up right now. As much as I try to work on me, work on my happiness, work through my pain, everything around me is just falling apart. My parents are like.. so broke right now. So I've been paying me and my dad's cell phone bill, which is $173 a month. I've been sending them hundreds of dollars at a time for food. I know I cannot afford that, but.. I can't just be up here chillin' knowing my brothers are fucking hungry.

I tell my parents, (and everyone else) that the platinum card I have is through my grandfather, and that he's making the payments, but that's a lie. I just don't want them, or anyone, to worry about me. I just want to be able to help. But I feel like I'm over my head. The grant money I got this semester was definitely a blessing, but I know it's not enough. My mom's car is out. My sister's car is out. I know if I'm going to be back in Detroit, I HAVE to have a car in order to work. But fucking how? I need to get a job now, but I hardly have the time. All the courses I'm taking are upper-level, junior level or above. I have research papers, and long term activism projects. I have more books than a damn library. I'm just.. fucking overwhelmed.

I'm going to take out a loan for the 'new purple Macbook' so I can have some money to give to my parents. And then I need to find a fucking summer job since I missed the group interview for the summer orientation job (thankssss tonsils!).

I wish I could scream and punch shit and do like 20 miles on the bike, but it hurts to even whisper, and I'm too sick to even walk to the gym. Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck me.

I wish there was some place I could exist where nothing was demanded from me. I always have to be strong, I always have to be there for everyone else, I always have to make perfect grades, I always have to do whatever is necessary for my family, I always have to be "Thee Conz" for my friends. I always have to find a way to make shit work. I always have to carry everyone's weight on my shoulders. I always have to deal with my shit, your shit, his shit, Tom, Dick AND Harry's shit and pretend to be fucking happy and not CRUMBLING all while doing it.

I'm just very tired. Which is ironic, because this has been keeping me awake for weeks..

Four Shots to the Heart

There are two songs that I feel almost accurately describe me and my life. This is one.

Get It Together by India Arie

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your kin
Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else
Didn't even wanna admit it to yourself
And now your chest burns and your back aches
From 15 years of holding the pain
And now you only have yourself to blame
If you continue to live this way

[Chorus:]
Get it together
You wanna heal your body?
Get it together
You have to heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together

You can fly fly

Dark future ahead of me
That's what they said
I'd be starving if I ate all the lies they fed
Cause I've been redeemed from your anguish and pain
A miracle child I'm floating on a cloud
Cause the words that come from your mouth
You're the first to hear
Speak words of beauty and you will be there
No matter what anybody says
What matters most is what you think of yourself

[Chorus]

The choice is yours
No matter what it is
To choose life is to choose to forgive
You don't have to try
or hurt him and break his pride
Just shake that weight off
And you'll be ready to fly

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your friends
Thought it would never change but as time moved on
That ugly duckling grew up to be a swan
And now your chest burns and your back aches
Because now the years are showing up on your face
But you'll never be happy
And you'll never be whole
Until you see the beauty in growing old
[Chorus]
[chorus]
you can fly fly fly fly...
you can live or you can die
you know that life is a choice you make
you can give or you can take

you can fly fly fly fly
you can fly fly fly fly...