Deux Adios

Supposedly I'm the liar, but some of us wouldn't know the truth if it beat our ass. Which it obviously has.

I wrote a long ass blog this morning recapping 2008. But fuck that. I don't have shit to say about it except I regret approximately 58.3% of it. Give or take.

Biggest lesson I learned: trust your instincts.

I knew from the very beginning it wasn't going to be worth my time, and I was right.

You might have everyone fooled, you might even be effectively fooling yourself, but I know what the truth is. Seek help, it works wonders. I don't give a shit what anyone says, or what you yourself say, something is deeply wrong with you. I would send a get well soon card, but I just don't give that much of a shit anymore.

That goes for two.

Peace the fuck out.

An Ode to You

They say anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm a firm believer that anything that was ever worth having is worth fighting for, worth crying over, worth swallowing pride. So before I write this note, I'll have two large gulps of my own.

My friends make me who I am. Small in impact are the bad moments I've experienced compared to the profound ways my friends have shaped my life. Though we've only been together for a few short (and sometimes long) years, it would take me many lifetimes to retell each and every memory that we've shared. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten, because I remember. I remember them all, all with sincere fondness. Some make me laugh, others make me cry, but they all remind me how grateful I am to have ever met you.

I just read a note that shook me to the core of my soul. I imagine that if I ever lost any one of you, I would forget how to breathe. But the fact is, I have. Once close, we are now distant. And I'd be lying if I said the space between us isn't still raw in me.

Some people say I don't know how to let go. I say some people don't know when to hold on.

To Courtney,
I never gave you the public and most sincere apology you deserve. I would say I'm sorry, but those words are just too used, too adulterated. And I can't think of the words to describe my regret, so instead I'll say I love you, much more than you probably know. I miss your clothes, and I miss you, and I thank you for continuing to be apart of my life.

To everyone,
If I've ever forgotten to mention it, if I've ever made you believe otherwise, or if you've simply forgotten: I love you. Whether we talk everyday, or a few times a week, or every couple of months, my love for you is undying, unfaltering, unconditional. You are my friend, and I intend to keep it that way. You guys are like my breath, and I never want to lose you, especially not while we share the same earth. In 2009 I hope we're able to strengthen our friendships, I hope we're able to get to know one another better, I hope we'll grow to appreciate each other more, and cherish our moments together, for I pray that they are long, but no one knows just how short time can be.

I could not have been blessed with a better set of friends.

Thank you for accepting me, thank you for being there to share my laughter, to share my passion, to console me in my pain. Remember that I am always here for you, no matter the time of day, or night.

Love always,
Constance-Marie

Nectar

Nudity, mint tea, Christmas lights abstract wall art, and silence. And I just float away. Having a sense of peace and security, even if only for a moment, is amazing. That feeling, when it's true, and raw, and embedded in yourself, is amazing.

I am the creator and sustainer of my own happiness. The giver and receiver of my own peace. I do for the good of myself. I value, cherish and believe in myself more and before anything else. I put myself at the top and bottom of my list. I keep fighting, for me. I keep trying, for me. I live to be my own best friend, my own biggest fan.

I can honestly say that I've never been happier with myself and my life than I am right now. Despite the things I've been going through these past few months, despite the things I continue to endure right now, the overbearing pain, the worry, the frustration of not knowing, I am happy. And I'm happy with me.

And this is why I'm so disinterested in being in a relationship with him right now. I don't want to make the mistake of muddling the happiness that I feel within, for and because of myself, with the happiness that he's so interested in bringing me. I need the time and space to just be infatuated with myself. Hopefully he understands that.

Wealth

I suppose I missed the days to describe what I was or am thankful for, which is perfectly fine by me, because I am in no mood to go through that routine. "Oh, I'm thankful for my family, and my friends. I'm thankful for Evan, and I'm thankful for my scholarships." Honestly, it's all such bullshit. Such boring, run of the mill bullshit. I am so very thankful for acai berry smoothies, and the help I've had the past few weeks. Thank you.

I am desperately begging people not to purchase a (RED) beverage from Starbucks to support the fight against AIDS in Africa. To sell a beverage for five dollars and only donate five cents is nothing short of a deplorable, yet effective marketing scheme. Have a little common sense, people. Pass up on that mocha latte, skim milk, no froth (or whatever you kids are into these days) and use those five bucks to make a direct donation. The Global Fund, for example, will be a good place to start. Not fucking Starbucks.

Not going to New York. It would be wrong, considering it would require him to spend a lot of money on me, and though I like him, I feel like that would be taking too big of a step. Maybe Spring Break?

I sort of want to just go to sleep, and wake up when it's time for break. I'm done with this semester. I'm done. I'm done. Or at least I need to be done, before I have a nervous breakdown and plunge off the roof of East Quad. Really it's just French. Everything else is fine.

Heidi and Spencer got married. Some girls.. are just retarded. This will make for a very interesting Divorce Court episode, though.

I wish I could have the college experience everyone else is seemingly having. Like, I'm finally having a good time up here, but it's not all that. I'm not having the time of my life. I sincerely hope that these next four years will not be the best of my life. I honestly think I'm too old-spirited for this. I don't like to party. I wish I could find a good book club. I have the most fun when we're just hanging out, especially when that involves 90s music and Taboo, and Thursdays are my favorite day because they involve Black Student Union, which rocks my whole world. I suppose the college experience is different for everyone. I plan on starting my own club next year, which will be centered around minority activism. Good luck with me finding members.

ROFL at NBER for announcing we're in a recession, and have been in one since this month last year. Thank you, geniuses, for that shocking announcement, but I believe the black community called this one a long time ago.

Barack, honey. I love you. BUT WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PICK HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON?! God.

I have a nice life, I wish I wasn't so stressed and worried so I can enjoy it. Fuck school, man, and American Protestant economic ethics that causes me to feel the need to be wealthy.