I find it disturbing that someone can have such a large capacity to intentionally hurt others. It astonishes me. It scares me.
I remember it was around 4am, Tuesday morning, December 30th, and my head was throbbing. I laid facing the couch; you draped an arm around me. India told you to stop, but you wouldn't move. I remember you kissing my neck. I remember you forcing me to turn around and face you.
I asked you why you were so upset with me, but you didn't really answer, just said that I have negative things to say to you. I reminded you that you say negative things about people all the time, but you said, "But never about you." I remember holding your face between both my hands, and looking you in the eyes. I remember exactly what I said. "You know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Never. But I'm sorry for whatever I said that did." You told me I didn't have to apologize. But I did again. And then I jokingly took one of them back.
Your phone had to have rang at least five times; you were late picking up your step-dad from work. But you wouldn't get up. You wouldn't let me go. You wouldn't stop kissing me.
So you can imagine my surprise when I find a message in my honesty box telling me to read your blog. You can imagine the look on my face when I did. You can imagine my hurt because you manufactured it, purposely.
My brain, and text inbox, was flooded with, "You just don't deserve this. I don't understand."
I don't understand. As much as I never want to look in your face again, as much as if you never spoke to me again it would be much too soon, I could still never do something like this to you. I could never hurt you this way. Because I once loved you. I once cared. I once considered you a friend.
But I know now that you never loved me.
I remember it was around 4am, Tuesday morning, December 30th, and my head was throbbing. I laid facing the couch; you draped an arm around me. India told you to stop, but you wouldn't move. I remember you kissing my neck. I remember you forcing me to turn around and face you.
I asked you why you were so upset with me, but you didn't really answer, just said that I have negative things to say to you. I reminded you that you say negative things about people all the time, but you said, "But never about you." I remember holding your face between both my hands, and looking you in the eyes. I remember exactly what I said. "You know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Never. But I'm sorry for whatever I said that did." You told me I didn't have to apologize. But I did again. And then I jokingly took one of them back.
Your phone had to have rang at least five times; you were late picking up your step-dad from work. But you wouldn't get up. You wouldn't let me go. You wouldn't stop kissing me.
So you can imagine my surprise when I find a message in my honesty box telling me to read your blog. You can imagine the look on my face when I did. You can imagine my hurt because you manufactured it, purposely.
My brain, and text inbox, was flooded with, "You just don't deserve this. I don't understand."
I don't understand. As much as I never want to look in your face again, as much as if you never spoke to me again it would be much too soon, I could still never do something like this to you. I could never hurt you this way. Because I once loved you. I once cared. I once considered you a friend.
But I know now that you never loved me.
5 comments:
This makes my heart hurt. I'm sure not as much as yours.
I'm sorry love. You really don't deserve that.
Knowing someone has intentionally hurt you is so fucked up.
This'll pass though. You'll be better and stronger because of it.
Papaya, you need to stop being hurt before I come back to Detroit and beat a 16 year old's ass. No BOY fucks with my Constance and walks away unharmed. [Sincerely.]
Secondly, you don't deserve this. I know how you feel about everything, I know your heart was in a good place Too good of a place considering everything. From what I can tell he never deserved you.
Third, I forgot my login for blogger. What is it?
Thanks Bonnie. (: And definitely, much better, much stronger.
I cannot condone violence, Melon! Especially since they'll throw your extra grown ass under the jail, rofl. But it's the thought that counts, so thanks. I thought it was spades____hearts, where ____ is some preposition.
Oh, Conz. I'm so sorry that you have to feel this way. no one deserves to have there heart bruised this way. I apologize for you having to go through this. if you need to talk: i'm here for you. this is a learning experience though and you will be that much stronger once the pain of extreme betrayal has resided. i love you. feel better
Thanks Shidaaa, I love you, too!
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