Saturday, October 11, 2008

Proprioception

It's odd how things resurface. Memories, emotions, fears.. Disturbing, even.

Haunting. Staring me in the face when I glance into a mirror. Creeping into my dreams when I close my eyes. Hiding, even, behind every smile I still manage to muster. And believe.

Where does the line between belief and reality blur? Where do the two overlap, and where does one trump the other? I believe I am happy. So why does reality keep making this so hard for me?

I wish I could transcend what reality believes is appropriate for me. Ok, maybe I shouldn't be happy, hell, perhaps I don't even deserve happiness, but for once, I AM.

Let me fucking have that, please. I shall deal with reality some other time.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Don't Stop Dancing

My gripes with atheism.

(It is important to note that this is not an argument for theism, deism, agnosticism, or any other personal belief system. Nor is this an attack against any individuals, or groups. Refrain from taking offense, but feel free to defend your personal beliefs as you deem necessary.)

If the history of this universe was made into a calendar year, January 1 being the day of the origin of the universe, life on earth would have appeared on September 25. The first humans (meaning the first members of the homo genus, not necessarily anatomically modern humans) would have appeared on December 31 at approximately 10:30pm.

I thus find it shocking that we, arguably one of the most recent additions to the universe, find it within our ability to draw sound conclusions about it, particularly conclusions based on unavailable evidence, or the absence of evidence (depending on who you ask, of course). Turn in a 6th grade science project in which you create a hypothesis, are completely unable to test it and thus unable to prove or disprove it, yet you somehow conclude that your hypothesis must be true, especially because of the fact that there is no Earthly way to prove or disprove it. You'd likely get an F.

This is one of my biggest gripes with atheism. For most atheists to be so scientifically-motivated, their evident breech of the scientific method astounds me. Science simply does not work that way. You cannot argue that because if there was any evidence of God, it is not available to us, so He, She, They or It must not exist. You cannot similarly argue that because there is no evidence of God, He, She, They or It must not exist. Science disapproves of these hasty conclusions, atheists, you should know better!

For other atheists, their biggest issue with God ties deeply to religion. Some argue, for example, that the Bible and other religion doctrines define God as being benevolent, ominous and omnipotent. They then asses the condition of the world, and conclude that if there is a God, HSTI (He, She, They or It) has either allowed billions to suffer in the history of our Earth, and is allowing still millions more to suffer today, which would make HSTI malevolent, or HSTI simply does not have the power to change the conditions of our reality, which would make HSTI powerless. Therefore God, at least as defined by the religious doctrines of those who follow HSTI, does not exist.

One initial rebuttal to this argument is that the condition of the world is due entirely to human causes, and HSTI does not have to get us out of this mess, especially when we're making no collective efforts to get ourselves out of it, which can be reasonably argued. But an atheist can easily reply to that, and commences the ongoing, never-ending typical argument.

There's instead a much better, far less contentious argument that can be made, and only minimally debated. Atheists, all of whom oppose religion, all of whom inherently must believe religion is man-made, use the principals of religious beliefs to disprove God, which is not only cyclical, but entirely illogical. "If men decided that God must be "benevolent, ominous and omnipotent" and HSTI is not, God must not exist." Doesn't make much sense, does it? You see, most atheists in making their arguments for atheism, or against any other belief system fail to fully separate the concept of God from religion, such as in the argument given previously. Inability to separate the pure possibility of God from the religious conception of HSTI leads to automatic failure of your argument.

For me, it's simple. We live in a world, a universe of most unknowns. Though we have discovered a lot in our brief lifetime as anatomically modern humans, it is more than fair to say what we do not know more than trumps what we do know. To make an assertion as strong as saying, "I know this cannot possibly exist," with no evidence available for either side, is egotistical, and counterintuitive.

Long before Darwin came along, there were several who hypothesized macroevolution, but there was no evidence supporting it, yet no evidence opposing it. That, obviously, didn't make evolution any less possible, or real.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Plight of the Unharmed

I have been ever so unfortunate to never have experienced serious heartbreak, as it pertain to guys. A nick, once, perhaps a scrape. But no cry-myself-into-dehydration-while-eating-Chunky-Monkey-ice-cream-and-replaying-Mary-J.-
Blige's-I'm-Going- Down heartbreak. No RL-and- Deborah-Cox-We-Can't-Be-Friends
-Because-I'm-Still-In-Love-With-You heartbreak. No Waiting-to-Exhale-burn-any-
reminder-of-you-because-how-could-you-do-this-to-me-after-so-long heartbreak.

And it is because of this, that I have no deterrence from getting reinvolved with guys. See, much unlike the lucky girls who have once had their hearts shoved through a meatgrinder and then served to them raw on stale bread, I have no man-guards up. Besides my usual inability to fully open up, there is no all-men-are-dogs bitterness stored in me, there are no stay-away-because-I-refuse-to-be-hurt-again bars around me.

And it is because of this flaw in my life that I am traveling again down the path towards having a.. dare I say it.. boyfriend. Why does this keep happening to me?!

You see, I have always been pretty apathetic towards guys. I've never been boy crazy. I've never seen the major appeal in having a boyfriend. I find most guys in general to just not be of my caliber, and therefore, I remain unimpressed with the entire gender.

But somehow, some opportunist snake (first Jae, then Taqee, and now him) slithers through my shell of disinterest, and before you know it, much to my resistance, I am boyfriended.

I wish he would just leave me alone.

I'm bullshitting you. I actually like this kid a lot. Because:
  • He's 6'4", a little darker than me, and has dimples. (See Fiest.)
  • He has goals, and is actively pursuing them.
  • He challenges me, often.
  • He's not close, and is not mutual friends with anyone in my circle. (Thus the ability to do my own thing, and have immense privacy.)
  • He's been celibate for 2 years.
  • He recognizes me as being the shit for reasons beyond the obvious. :)
Life sucks.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Untitled, as for now

I remember telling Taqee, quite a while back, that my biggest fear about going to college would be that I would lose all three of my "best" friends: Courtney, Brandon and himself. And here we are, not even a month into my 4-year college career, and my fear has been effectively realized. My three best friends: gone. I think it's most weird because, though I saw it coming, I never saw it coming.

Courtney and I mentioned several times in our four year friendship that we couldn't foresee us ever ending on a bad note. We were just too compatible and carefree as friends for something like that to happen. Yet, here we are. Though we've hung out twice (by circumstance), things are not the same. We never talk. We never meet for lunch. We've been shopping, once, but we didn't pick out clothes and go half on them for our "mutual closet", as planned since freshman year. In planning to go to a few parties, I remembered a top or dress that she has that would be perfect to wear, but I never called her for it. She never called me for my top or dress, either.

Ironically, about 48 hours before we broke up, I was telling Luke that I couldn't see me and Taqee having a horrible break-up, and that I couldn't see us not being best friends anymore because of it. And though I strongly believed this, a few days after we broke up, I shared with Valor my fear that I was going to lose him as my best friend. And here we are.

I am now going to do myself and my day the favor of opting out of further explanation about Taqee, or even mentioning Brandon.

Despite the aforementioned, I am utterly, thoroughly and completely convinced that the universe is rigged so that everything always works out in my favor. Nothing can convince me otherwise. To prove this point, I will use a few recent examples:
  • Kalisha, Helen and I were walking off campus to Wireless Toyz to buy me a new, temporary phone (because I was going insane without one). As we were walking, I was called some names by some drug-addicted tranny. So after walking for about 30 minutes, we soon realized that the Wireless Toyz we called was on Main St, across the street from the Big House, which is NOT in our definition of walking distance. Begrudgingly we turn around to start heading back to campus, but I convince them that we should take another way back, so I wouldn't have to see the tranny again. As we're walking back, and just on the outskirts of campus, what do we run into? A Wireless Toyz. So not only did I get my phone, I also won't have to catch a bus when I go to return the bitch. AND I got to enjoy a nice stroll through Downtown Ann Arbor with my buddies.
  • I planned to swap rooms with some girl who has a single in Couzens, which is on The Hill. I was very excited about switching with her, despite its sucky location, until the rude bitch just stopped replying to me. Yesterday, I got an email from the Housing Director offering me a single at my current residence hall. I, obviously, had forgotten that I put myself on the waiting list for a single in East Quad. Now I get my single, and I won't have to leave the absolute best location on campus to get it.
Those are just really tacky examples of my faith that no pain that I ever endure, and no disappointment I ever feel is in vain. Every hardship that ever interrupts my path will only cause me to take a detour, that is actually a better road for me to follow anyway. So bring on the pain, baby, because I'm loving this brighter future.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Healing

I, seemingly randomly, just had a miniature emotional explosion, of sorts. I was listening to Prelude to a Kiss by Alicia Keys, and every single word she said just.. struck me, like a blow to the face.

Around this time last year, I set out on a journey of sorts to really heal me. And thinking back on it, a year later, I don't see that much progress was made. In many aspects, I feel worst off. I'm more wounded now. I'm more guarded now. I feel like I made decisions, and put myself in situations that have done nothing but add to my hurt, or mistrust of others. And I regret that.

But I also regret trying to handle this on my own. I didn't get this way because of my own-doing, and chances are I'm not going to become whole again alone either. Fortunately, all of this has strengthened my relationship with God, and I have grown to depend on and trust Him more than ever. But I think He needs to send me an angel, just to help out a little.

Sometimes I feel
Like I don’t belong anywhere
And it’s gonna take so long
For me to get somewhere
Sometimes I feel
So heavy hearted
But I can’t explain
‘Cause I’m so guarded
But that’s a lonely road to travel
And a heavy load to bare
And it’s a long, long way to heaven
But I gotta get there
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel?
Guide me

Feist

I have a compelling urge to blog, but no immediate thoughts come to mind.

I've decided that I'm a much too forgiving person. I forgive so many infractions, even without an apology, or without a clear attempt to redeem oneself in the future. But what's bad is that I somehow equate forgiveness with wiping the slate clean. So from here on out, I'll forgive you, as in I will not unnecessarily hold your mistakes or even your malintent against you, but it is going on your record. And a person is only allowed so many chances.

So I don't want another boyfriend for a long while. (Then again, I can't remember a time when I ever sought a boyfriend, but still somehow ended up with one, again and again.) But for the sake of it, I've decided to compose a list of some qualifying qualities:
  1. Tall, dark and handsome. And by that I mean 6ft, espresso, and handsome, not pretty, not cute.
  2. Able to start, maintain and for the sake of God, end a conversation. The ending is crucial. Give me a reason to want to ever speak to you again.
  3. Motivated, driven and future-oriented. Be confident and intelligent, and not intimidated by the fact that I am, too.
  4. Have a life, and do not make me the center of it. I am not a needy person, and I am a college student. Which means I don't require much of your time, and I don't have too much to spare for you, either. Which is why ol' dude was told to call me at 1am; I simply have things to do, and you need to get in where you fit in. Be similar. Don't always make room for me.
  5. Have a steady job and a car.
This is all obviously in addition to the mandatory respect that must be exhibited at all times, the love for one's family and God, and of course, being a bleeding-heart, America-hating, borderline socialist liberal.

Not too much to ask, right?

I cannot wait until December! December is going to be the best month ever. For one thing, school will be over. At least for three or so weeks. I also get to see my pride and joy, Brandon Morrell Keeler, and my secret boo Steven Andrew Banks. AND, I'm going to New York for a few days with friend to help him pick out clothes for his store, and to celebrate his 20th birthday. Not to mention the joys of the Christmas season. And my daddy's birthday! I officially love December now.

I'm nauseous.

I'm about to drop $800 on this course training so I can get my professional certification in event planning, particularly wedding planning. It's my secret love, and when I move away next year (or the following year), it'll be my side hustle, so to speak.

My moon, my man. Take it slow, take it easy on me.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Labile

I've made the decision to skip French tomorrow. Je regrette!

I'm starting to settle into life at the University of Michigan. And it ain't so bad! I've decided that if I can't move into the single, I'm just going to accept things with Maia the way they are, and continue to "do me", as they say.

Lately, (and by lately I just mean these past few days), I've been overall a lot happier. And I don't mean the ecstatic sort of happy that leads to a tsunami destroying a village of 500 people, no survivors. Just.. more content with life. I've been in the pursuit of clarity and understanding, and I'm starting to get it. Slowly, but definitely surely.

I hate having regrets. I feel like most, if not all, of the decisions I make I do so with purposeful intention, and after much thought, so it bothers me deeply when I must come to regret the decision that my logic and emotion led me to. So far I've lead a pretty regret-free life. Hopefully my best intentions will keep it that way.

------ Thirty minutes later. ------

I believe I'm the type of person who would do practically anything for a person I really care about. Being made out to be anything other than that pisses me the fuck off. If you need something and I have it, it's yours. If you need someone to talk to about anything, I always make myself available. And if you ever need someone there, I'm there, without invitation. That's who I am. That's who I've ALWAYS been. I've always fucking been there. Despite ANYONE'S mistreatment of me, if you need me, I'M THERE. So now I'm fucking pissed.