I've decided to return to much of my freshman year mannerisms. I loved myself freshman year, because back then I lacked the sugarcoating filter I have now. I just said what I felt. Period. A lot of people didn't like me freshman year, and I can honestly say I couldn't have possibly cared any less. I want to get back to just not giving a shit about other people's opinions. I need to get back to just doing me.
Part of me feels terrible about the Jae situation. And another, much larger, part feels like.. what the fuck is wrong with you?! We've been broken up for almost THREE years. Get a grip on life, seriously. There's only so much I'm going to apologize for, and I ONLY apologize for you being hurt by me. I am not going to apologize for being honest, I am not going to apologize for falling out of love with you, I am not going to apologize for moving on with my life. I am ESPECIALLY sorry, though, that after THREE motherfucking years you haven't been able to. I encouraged you to date other girls; you chose not to. I encouraged you to fuck around; you chose not to. You're not about to keep guilt-tripping me because of YOUR decisions. I don't care that much anymore. Just.. stop.
Moving on, literally, I've found that George makes me smile in way that I haven't in such a long time. Because of the small things, like not getting mad at me for calling and waking him at 2am consistently after having recurring nightmares. Or calling me in the mornings just to wish me a good day, except on Wednesdays when he doesn't call until after noon to wish me a good day off. Or always asking if there's anything I need or anything he can help with. I appreciate that no matter how busy he is, he always responds immediately to my texts. I think it's cute how he calls me cute names on the phone when his cousin is around, and is calling him soft in the background. I like how he asks me how I am, and doesn't consider a one-word response acceptable. It feels good that he's always so interested in how my day went, though he has far more exciting things going on in his own life. I like how I already feel important, but not pressured. I adore the fact that he always finds a few hours to spend with his mom on Sundays, and is always encouraging me to call my own.
I've finally accepted the fact that I do indeed like the kid, and that I ought not feel bad or guilty about that.
I think I'm going to NYC. (:
Part of me feels terrible about the Jae situation. And another, much larger, part feels like.. what the fuck is wrong with you?! We've been broken up for almost THREE years. Get a grip on life, seriously. There's only so much I'm going to apologize for, and I ONLY apologize for you being hurt by me. I am not going to apologize for being honest, I am not going to apologize for falling out of love with you, I am not going to apologize for moving on with my life. I am ESPECIALLY sorry, though, that after THREE motherfucking years you haven't been able to. I encouraged you to date other girls; you chose not to. I encouraged you to fuck around; you chose not to. You're not about to keep guilt-tripping me because of YOUR decisions. I don't care that much anymore. Just.. stop.
Moving on, literally, I've found that George makes me smile in way that I haven't in such a long time. Because of the small things, like not getting mad at me for calling and waking him at 2am consistently after having recurring nightmares. Or calling me in the mornings just to wish me a good day, except on Wednesdays when he doesn't call until after noon to wish me a good day off. Or always asking if there's anything I need or anything he can help with. I appreciate that no matter how busy he is, he always responds immediately to my texts. I think it's cute how he calls me cute names on the phone when his cousin is around, and is calling him soft in the background. I like how he asks me how I am, and doesn't consider a one-word response acceptable. It feels good that he's always so interested in how my day went, though he has far more exciting things going on in his own life. I like how I already feel important, but not pressured. I adore the fact that he always finds a few hours to spend with his mom on Sundays, and is always encouraging me to call my own.
I've finally accepted the fact that I do indeed like the kid, and that I ought not feel bad or guilty about that.
I think I'm going to NYC. (:
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:)
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