Deux Adios

Supposedly I'm the liar, but some of us wouldn't know the truth if it beat our ass. Which it obviously has.

I wrote a long ass blog this morning recapping 2008. But fuck that. I don't have shit to say about it except I regret approximately 58.3% of it. Give or take.

Biggest lesson I learned: trust your instincts.

I knew from the very beginning it wasn't going to be worth my time, and I was right.

You might have everyone fooled, you might even be effectively fooling yourself, but I know what the truth is. Seek help, it works wonders. I don't give a shit what anyone says, or what you yourself say, something is deeply wrong with you. I would send a get well soon card, but I just don't give that much of a shit anymore.

That goes for two.

Peace the fuck out.

An Ode to You

They say anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm a firm believer that anything that was ever worth having is worth fighting for, worth crying over, worth swallowing pride. So before I write this note, I'll have two large gulps of my own.

My friends make me who I am. Small in impact are the bad moments I've experienced compared to the profound ways my friends have shaped my life. Though we've only been together for a few short (and sometimes long) years, it would take me many lifetimes to retell each and every memory that we've shared. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten, because I remember. I remember them all, all with sincere fondness. Some make me laugh, others make me cry, but they all remind me how grateful I am to have ever met you.

I just read a note that shook me to the core of my soul. I imagine that if I ever lost any one of you, I would forget how to breathe. But the fact is, I have. Once close, we are now distant. And I'd be lying if I said the space between us isn't still raw in me.

Some people say I don't know how to let go. I say some people don't know when to hold on.

To Courtney,
I never gave you the public and most sincere apology you deserve. I would say I'm sorry, but those words are just too used, too adulterated. And I can't think of the words to describe my regret, so instead I'll say I love you, much more than you probably know. I miss your clothes, and I miss you, and I thank you for continuing to be apart of my life.

To everyone,
If I've ever forgotten to mention it, if I've ever made you believe otherwise, or if you've simply forgotten: I love you. Whether we talk everyday, or a few times a week, or every couple of months, my love for you is undying, unfaltering, unconditional. You are my friend, and I intend to keep it that way. You guys are like my breath, and I never want to lose you, especially not while we share the same earth. In 2009 I hope we're able to strengthen our friendships, I hope we're able to get to know one another better, I hope we'll grow to appreciate each other more, and cherish our moments together, for I pray that they are long, but no one knows just how short time can be.

I could not have been blessed with a better set of friends.

Thank you for accepting me, thank you for being there to share my laughter, to share my passion, to console me in my pain. Remember that I am always here for you, no matter the time of day, or night.

Love always,
Constance-Marie

Nectar

Nudity, mint tea, Christmas lights abstract wall art, and silence. And I just float away. Having a sense of peace and security, even if only for a moment, is amazing. That feeling, when it's true, and raw, and embedded in yourself, is amazing.

I am the creator and sustainer of my own happiness. The giver and receiver of my own peace. I do for the good of myself. I value, cherish and believe in myself more and before anything else. I put myself at the top and bottom of my list. I keep fighting, for me. I keep trying, for me. I live to be my own best friend, my own biggest fan.

I can honestly say that I've never been happier with myself and my life than I am right now. Despite the things I've been going through these past few months, despite the things I continue to endure right now, the overbearing pain, the worry, the frustration of not knowing, I am happy. And I'm happy with me.

And this is why I'm so disinterested in being in a relationship with him right now. I don't want to make the mistake of muddling the happiness that I feel within, for and because of myself, with the happiness that he's so interested in bringing me. I need the time and space to just be infatuated with myself. Hopefully he understands that.

Wealth

I suppose I missed the days to describe what I was or am thankful for, which is perfectly fine by me, because I am in no mood to go through that routine. "Oh, I'm thankful for my family, and my friends. I'm thankful for Evan, and I'm thankful for my scholarships." Honestly, it's all such bullshit. Such boring, run of the mill bullshit. I am so very thankful for acai berry smoothies, and the help I've had the past few weeks. Thank you.

I am desperately begging people not to purchase a (RED) beverage from Starbucks to support the fight against AIDS in Africa. To sell a beverage for five dollars and only donate five cents is nothing short of a deplorable, yet effective marketing scheme. Have a little common sense, people. Pass up on that mocha latte, skim milk, no froth (or whatever you kids are into these days) and use those five bucks to make a direct donation. The Global Fund, for example, will be a good place to start. Not fucking Starbucks.

Not going to New York. It would be wrong, considering it would require him to spend a lot of money on me, and though I like him, I feel like that would be taking too big of a step. Maybe Spring Break?

I sort of want to just go to sleep, and wake up when it's time for break. I'm done with this semester. I'm done. I'm done. Or at least I need to be done, before I have a nervous breakdown and plunge off the roof of East Quad. Really it's just French. Everything else is fine.

Heidi and Spencer got married. Some girls.. are just retarded. This will make for a very interesting Divorce Court episode, though.

I wish I could have the college experience everyone else is seemingly having. Like, I'm finally having a good time up here, but it's not all that. I'm not having the time of my life. I sincerely hope that these next four years will not be the best of my life. I honestly think I'm too old-spirited for this. I don't like to party. I wish I could find a good book club. I have the most fun when we're just hanging out, especially when that involves 90s music and Taboo, and Thursdays are my favorite day because they involve Black Student Union, which rocks my whole world. I suppose the college experience is different for everyone. I plan on starting my own club next year, which will be centered around minority activism. Good luck with me finding members.

ROFL at NBER for announcing we're in a recession, and have been in one since this month last year. Thank you, geniuses, for that shocking announcement, but I believe the black community called this one a long time ago.

Barack, honey. I love you. BUT WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PICK HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON?! God.

I have a nice life, I wish I wasn't so stressed and worried so I can enjoy it. Fuck school, man, and American Protestant economic ethics that causes me to feel the need to be wealthy.

Segue Glow

I've decided to return to much of my freshman year mannerisms. I loved myself freshman year, because back then I lacked the sugarcoating filter I have now. I just said what I felt. Period. A lot of people didn't like me freshman year, and I can honestly say I couldn't have possibly cared any less. I want to get back to just not giving a shit about other people's opinions. I need to get back to just doing me.

Part of me feels terrible about the Jae situation. And another, much larger, part feels like.. what the fuck is wrong with you?! We've been broken up for almost THREE years. Get a grip on life, seriously. There's only so much I'm going to apologize for, and I ONLY apologize for you being hurt by me. I am not going to apologize for being honest, I am not going to apologize for falling out of love with you, I am not going to apologize for moving on with my life. I am ESPECIALLY sorry, though, that after THREE motherfucking years you haven't been able to. I encouraged you to date other girls; you chose not to. I encouraged you to fuck around; you chose not to. You're not about to keep guilt-tripping me because of YOUR decisions. I don't care that much anymore. Just.. stop.

Moving on, literally, I've found that George makes me smile in way that I haven't in such a long time. Because of the small things, like not getting mad at me for calling and waking him at 2am consistently after having recurring nightmares. Or calling me in the mornings just to wish me a good day, except on Wednesdays when he doesn't call until after noon to wish me a good day off. Or always asking if there's anything I need or anything he can help with. I appreciate that no matter how busy he is, he always responds immediately to my texts. I think it's cute how he calls me cute names on the phone when his cousin is around, and is calling him soft in the background. I like how he asks me how I am, and doesn't consider a one-word response acceptable. It feels good that he's always so interested in how my day went, though he has far more exciting things going on in his own life. I like how I already feel important, but not pressured. I adore the fact that he always finds a few hours to spend with his mom on Sundays, and is always encouraging me to call my own.

I've finally accepted the fact that I do indeed like the kid, and that I ought not feel bad or guilty about that.

I think I'm going to NYC. (:

Stop This World

This has the potential to be quite lengthy.

I woke up today feeling quite renewed and content. But I suppose that's what happens when Little Red Riding Hood trots off to torment someone else. Either way, I feel very calm and levelheaded.

I've been thinking about the bus incident quite a bit, and I think I've settled on attending graduate or law school either here or at Wayne State, then setting up shop in Detroit as a community organizer/lawyer. I'd also like to create a broad-base organization targeting our youth. I'll discuss that in more details at a later time.

I am choosing to forgo a "prestigious" Ivy graduate or law degree. I am choosing to forgo the glamorous lifestyle as a young associate at some "pristine" law firm. While I have not put to rest my aspirations of morphing the world, I think I've now come to believe that my career should be rooted in my roots. Before I offer my talent to the world, I must first replenish the soil that nourished me.

I am going to be not rich for quite some time. But that's ok.

This decision also stems from an argument I had with two drunk anarchists in the Union at 2am, just hours before the polls opened. They were trying to convince me that this election was not important. I heavily disagreed. Because of my strong type A personality, and their inebriation, we argued for quite some time. I was mostly right, of course. But they did make a good point.

Barack Obama is such an inspirational man, many people, myself included, spent hours volunteering for his campaign. We spent hours watching the debates, and hours convincing our neighbors and our friends that he was the man for the job. But just imagine how much of an impact we could have if we put equal effort and passion into our community.

While change in policy and practice can and will have great impacts on our lives as citizens of this nation, much change must originate from the bottom. Much like the fallacies of Reagan economics, change at the top only reaches so far.

So, I've decided to start at the bottom, and work my way up.

In other news, it disturbs me how ethnocentric Americans are. In my Anthropology discussion today, we talked about accents, and how some people with non-standard American accents (which apparently is rooted in Grand Rapids, go figure) are taking classes to dilute their accents. And I was totally against the idea. Nothing busts my balls and boils my blood more than assimilation. An accent isn't just a deviation in pronunciation; it's an audible representation of your culture, your heritage, your ethnicity and nationality.

Fuck the "standard American accent." I'm tired of everyone being forced to be "standard Americans." Fuck that.

So of course some people complained that they have Korean, Chinese or Indian professors or GSIs who are hard to understand, making it difficult to learn. One girl went so far as to say that "those people" needed a "better grasp of English, or they needed to find another job."

First of all, it is ignorant and condescending to assert that because someone has a foreign accent, they do not proficiently know English. You're a dumbass for not only thinking that, but actually saying it. The people they let in college these days.

Secondly, communication is a two-way street. When someone has an accent that is foreign to you, you listen harder. It is much easier, and I'm sure less detrimental to who you are as a cultural being, to listen a little more attentively than it is for them to go about erasing their accent. If you didn't catch it the first time, I'm sure it's much easier for you to simply go to office hours to ask for clarification, than it is for them to go about erasing their accent. I am still sure that it is much easier for you to adapt as a listener, in this two-way street of communication, than it is for them to further adapt as a speaker.

Snotty bitch.

My Moon

Continued..

1. I am a degree less than obsessed with my own nudity. I love my naked body. I think I have really soft skin, and I love my complexion. I love the look of my breasts. I love my waist. I love my thighs. I love being naked. A lot.

2. I love to drink everything but water. I drink constantly. I would rather drink than eat any day. But I absolutely refuse to drink water unless I am dying. (And by loving to drink, I am not including alcohol, which I haven't had a sip of since I've been in college. Go me!)

3. I consider myself very sexually liberal and conservative, all at the same time. There are a number of things I'd like to do and try, but I refuse to do anything with someone who I don't sincerely and deeply care about.

4. I do not open up to people. At all. But I've finally gotten to the point where I'd like to, but now I feel like no one really cares. And I don't really know how to get started. This is all so foreign to me!

5. I wouldn't mind eating pizza everyday for the rest of my life, so long as it's good pizza. With red pepper flakes on top.

6. I'd rather be just content than extremely happy.

7. I have just as much fun doing "boring" things as I do doing "exciting" things.