Untitled, as for now

I remember telling Taqee, quite a while back, that my biggest fear about going to college would be that I would lose all three of my "best" friends: Courtney, Brandon and himself. And here we are, not even a month into my 4-year college career, and my fear has been effectively realized. My three best friends: gone. I think it's most weird because, though I saw it coming, I never saw it coming.

Courtney and I mentioned several times in our four year friendship that we couldn't foresee us ever ending on a bad note. We were just too compatible and carefree as friends for something like that to happen. Yet, here we are. Though we've hung out twice (by circumstance), things are not the same. We never talk. We never meet for lunch. We've been shopping, once, but we didn't pick out clothes and go half on them for our "mutual closet", as planned since freshman year. In planning to go to a few parties, I remembered a top or dress that she has that would be perfect to wear, but I never called her for it. She never called me for my top or dress, either.

Ironically, about 48 hours before we broke up, I was telling Luke that I couldn't see me and Taqee having a horrible break-up, and that I couldn't see us not being best friends anymore because of it. And though I strongly believed this, a few days after we broke up, I shared with Valor my fear that I was going to lose him as my best friend. And here we are.

I am now going to do myself and my day the favor of opting out of further explanation about Taqee, or even mentioning Brandon.

Despite the aforementioned, I am utterly, thoroughly and completely convinced that the universe is rigged so that everything always works out in my favor. Nothing can convince me otherwise. To prove this point, I will use a few recent examples:

• Kalisha, Helen and I were walking off campus to Wireless Toyz to buy me a new, temporary phone (because I was going insane without one). As we were walking, I was called some names by some drug-addicted tranny. So after walking for about 30 minutes, we soon realized that the Wireless Toyz we called was on Main St, across the street from the Big House, which is NOT in our definition of walking distance. Begrudgingly we turn around to start heading back to campus, but I convince them that we should take another way back, so I wouldn't have to see the tranny again. As we're walking back, and just on the outskirts of campus, what do we run into? A Wireless Toyz. So not only did I get my phone, I also won't have to catch a bus when I go to return the bitch. AND I got to enjoy a nice stroll through Downtown Ann Arbor with my buddies.
• I planned to swap rooms with some girl who has a single in Couzens, which is on The Hill. I was very excited about switching with her, despite its sucky location, until the rude bitch just stopped replying to me. Yesterday, I got an email from the Housing Director offering me a single at my current residence hall. I, obviously, had forgotten that I put myself on the waiting list for a single in East Quad. Now I get my single, and I won't have to leave the absolute best location on campus to get it.

Those are just really tacky examples of my faith that no pain that I ever endure, and no disappointment I ever feel is in vain. Every hardship that ever interrupts my path will only cause me to take a detour, that is actually a better road for me to follow anyway. So bring on the pain, baby, because I'm loving this brighter future.

Healing

I, seemingly randomly, just had a miniature emotional explosion, of sorts. I was listening to Prelude to a Kiss by Alicia Keys, and every single word she said just.. struck me, like a blow to the face.

Around this time last year, I set out on a journey of sorts to really heal me. And thinking back on it, a year later, I don't see that much progress was made. In many aspects, I feel worst off. I'm more wounded now. I'm more guarded now. I feel like I made decisions, and put myself in situations that have done nothing but add to my hurt, or mistrust of others. And I regret that.

But I also regret trying to handle this on my own. I didn't get this way because of my own-doing, and chances are I'm not going to become whole again alone either. Fortunately, all of this has strengthened my relationship with God, and I have grown to depend on and trust Him more than ever. But I think He needs to send me an angel, just to help out a little.

Sometimes I feel
Like I don’t belong anywhere
And it’s gonna take so long
For me to get somewhere
Sometimes I feel
So heavy hearted
But I can’t explain
‘Cause I’m so guarded
But that’s a lonely road to travel
And a heavy load to bare
And it’s a long, long way to heaven
But I gotta get there
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel?
Guide me

Feist

I have a compelling urge to blog, but no immediate thoughts come to mind.

I've decided that I'm a much too forgiving person. I forgive so many infractions, even without an apology, or without a clear attempt to redeem oneself in the future. But what's bad is that I somehow equate forgiveness with wiping the slate clean. So from here on out, I'll forgive you, as in I will not unnecessarily hold your mistakes or even your malintent against you, but it is going on your record. And a person is only allowed so many chances.

So I don't want another boyfriend for a long while. (Then again, I can't remember a time when I ever sought a boyfriend, but still somehow ended up with one, again and again.) But for the sake of it, I've decided to compose a list of some qualifying qualities:

1. Tall, dark and handsome. And by that I mean 6ft, espresso, and handsome, not pretty, not cute.
2. Able to start, maintain and for the sake of God, end a conversation. The ending is crucial. Give me a reason to want to ever speak to you again.
   
3. Motivated, driven and future-oriented. Be confident and intelligent, and not intimidated by the fact that I am, too.
   
4. Have a life, and do not make me the center of it. I am not a needy person, and I am a college student. Which means I don't require much of your time, and I don't have too much to spare for you, either. Which is why ol' dude was told to call me at 1am; I simply have things to do, and you need to get in where you fit in. Be similar. Don't always make room for me.
   
5. Have a steady job and a car.

This is all obviously in addition to the mandatory respect that must be exhibited at all times, the love for one's family and God, and of course, being a bleeding-heart, America-hating, borderline socialist liberal.

Not too much to ask, right?

I cannot wait until December! December is going to be the best month ever. For one thing, school will be over. At least for three or so weeks. I also get to see my pride and joy, Brandon Morrell Keeler, and my secret boo Steven Andrew Banks. AND, I'm going to New York for a few days with friend to help him pick out clothes for his store, and to celebrate his 20th birthday. Not to mention the joys of the Christmas season. And my daddy's birthday! I officially love December now.

I'm nauseous.

I'm about to drop $800 on this course training so I can get my professional certification in event planning, particularly wedding planning. It's my secret love, and when I move away next year (or the following year), it'll be my side hustle, so to speak.

My moon, my man. Take it slow, take it easy on me.

Labile

I've made the decision to skip French tomorrow. Je regrette!

I'm starting to settle into life at the University of Michigan. And it ain't so bad! I've decided that if I can't move into the single, I'm just going to accept things with Maia the way they are, and continue to "do me", as they say.

Lately, (and by lately I just mean these past few days), I've been overall a lot happier. And I don't mean the ecstatic sort of happy that leads to a tsunami destroying a village of 500 people, no survivors. Just.. more content with life. I've been in the pursuit of clarity and understanding, and I'm starting to get it. Slowly, but definitely surely.

I hate having regrets. I feel like most, if not all, of the decisions I make I do so with purposeful intention, and after much thought, so it bothers me deeply when I must come to regret the decision that my logic and emotion led me to. So far I've lead a pretty regret-free life. Hopefully my best intentions will keep it that way.

------ Thirty minutes later. ------

I believe I'm the type of person who would do practically anything for a person I really care about. Being made out to be anything other than that pisses me the fuck off. If you need something and I have it, it's yours. If you need someone to talk to about anything, I always make myself available. And if you ever need someone there, I'm there, without invitation. That's who I am. That's who I've ALWAYS been. I've always fucking been there. Despite ANYONE'S mistreatment of me, if you need me, I'M THERE. So now I'm fucking pissed.

To Zion

It's intriguing how time can so drastically affect perception. All other things being equal, an elapse in time has the power to alter personal emotions, and transform universal ideals. This fascinates me. It relieves me. Time may not heal all wounds, but it certainly can change how you view them.

(It upsets me that people, literate people, have yet to master the use of "but". On Facebook, someone's political views are listed as, "Very liberal....but, I'm voting for Obama." No no, no ma'am.)

I'm sleepy, but I feel bad about taking naps because my roommate never does, and I can just sense her judging me. (It's bad enough that I choose to eat cookies and chips at midnight, and frequently make early am runs to the vending machines for a lemonade or Sprite.) I went to sleep last night, or this morning rather, at about 5am, and woke up to start my day at 9am. My friend called me at 1:15am which sparked an argument because we agreed that we would talk at 1am. The argument lasted just short of two hours. We spent 1 hour and forty-five minutes arguing about the value and significance of fifteen minutes. Ah, irony. It was, however, the funniest and most insightful argument I've ever had.

But things, as they always do, took a turn for the worst and soon commenced the "let me get to know you" conversation. But we've been friends for over a year now, so it's not as if he doesn't know me, so it was more like "let me get to know you" conversation. And there's the problem. Multiple problems, actually.

Problem 1: I haven't been single long, and I don't believe in rebound guys. Especially not good guys. I've rebounded on some clowns, but who cares.

Problem 2: I wouldn't give him the time of day when we first met (though at that point in life, I wouldn't give Pharrell Williams the time of day if he tried), but I just have this guilty feeling that the only reason I'm giving him even 1 in the morning now is because.. ahem.. money. And I know that's not it! But it keeps coming into my head, and it's hard to ignore.

Problem 3 & 4: To be discussed later, if there later becomes a need for further discussion on this kid.

In other news, after much meditation and discussion with said friend, I've decided that it's not that God doesn't want to see me happy, rather he wants to see me happy for the right, and only the right reasons. He doesn't want me to find happiness in any place, because if happiness is found in the slums, there's no reason to ever leave. It makes sense. I feel you, God.

Foible

Anytime I am happy, something happens to bring me back to the sad individual I am obviously destined to be. This entire weekend is the proof. But more on that later.

I'm trying to stop thinking about Brandon. Thinking about him makes me.. sad, and upset. I'm happy he's having such a great time, but I also feel like shit because he's having such a great time without me. And it's like, even when I am having an ok time, I always think about how much more fun I'd be having if Brandon was there. And I don't think he does. I just feel dispensable.. I feel like he got over us in like two days. And I'm still having a helluva a time coping. Euh.

My mom is a fraud. Liar. Fake. Full of shit. Got my hopes of an actual relationship all up, just to shit on them for the millionth time. Should've saw this coming. Should've saved my tears for something worth crying over. Should stop being so forgiving, so vulnerable to being hurt. By everyone.. Why does everyone have the ability to hurt me? Why? Why does everyone who know I'm hurt, hurting so much... insist on hurting me still? Why?

If I died tomorrow, I'd be upset. I can't imagine dying without the chance to live..

I want to leave school and go pursue my secret dream. But it requires money, of which I have not a lot. But I'm considering selling my soul to unnamed person so that I can get started. Is it worth it?

I wish my roommate would leave so I can cry, and clear my mind. I can't finish this without doing so..

Viduus

I don't understand why God doesn't want to see me happy.

Barack Obama once had an 8 point lead for white women voters. After the pick of Palin, McCain now enjoys a 12 point lead with white women. God doesn't want to see me happy. He just doesn't, I am now thoroughly convinced.

A huge, and growing, part of me just wishes that I could marry rich, and then use that money to do the work I wish to do with the world. There's no college course that truly teaches humanity, fairness and balance. I know what I really want to do, I know how I need to go about doing it, and I think it's bullshit that I have to go through umpteenth years of schooling to help people the way that I know I can. I know I have the ability, and want, to change many lives. Just let me do it! I'm about go browse sugardaddies.com..

Being young is annoying. I hate having limited control of my life. I hate not knowing where I'll actually end up. I hate this constant feeling of pressure and impending failure and unhappiness. I want to fall asleep, and wake up ten years into my future (waking up once briefly to experience my wedding).

(Taking a brief break in thoughts to mention that I absolutely love Brandon Brown.)

I feel awful. My muscles, particularly my back muscles, have been aching and cramping since Sunday, I have a cold, and to top it all off, I started my period today, like a week early, and before I had a chance to go home and pick up my medication. Now I'm going to overdose on liquor store Motrins. See how God doesn't want to see me happy?

I think I am finally coming to grips with the fact that I have a fairly low level of self-esteem. It bothers me to actually type that, so I'm keeping myself from erasing it for the fourth time. And it's weird because it's not that I think I'm horribly ugly, or dumb, or fat or any of those things. I actually think I'm a pretty amazing girl, most of the time. But it's literally my self-esteem, my self-worth, my self-value. I constantly feel like I don't deserve anything, like I'm not worth much. For many reasons recently I feel dispensable. But, I'm on my period, so that could have a lot to do with it also. (So cut my wrists and black my eyes, so I can fall asleep tonight.)

I keep getting excited about coming home this weekend because I think I'll be able to see Brandon and Steve. ..Epic fail. But hopefully I'll be able to see some people, like Dino, who I surely do love.

I'm looking for room swapping options. I can't deal with this too much longer. I've counted ten, TEN times today I've seen my roommate and she hasn't said a word to me. Twice in the streets. [Warning: Random hood moment following.] This bitch got me fucked up.

I want pizza from the liquor store (it's truly delicious!) but I cannot get up and walk. God does not want to see me happy.